I am your classic Type A personality that fears the worst and therefore preps for it, analyzing and planning out of anxiety. You would want me as your producer. Nothing will go wrong, because I've already taken care of it. I make your best and most annoying employee. But, what if I still held these qualities with out the angst? What if with just a little bit of space away from the anxiety, came creativity? The angst is so big and loud, it's hard to see or hear any other possibilities. But, what if there are bigger and better plans than your own?
Teaching myself balance through the inspiration of friends and family around me, I've learned to perhaps dwell and let things marinade. To calm my mind of this angst, it takes a tremendous amount of presence and effort to breathe, asses and then maybe act. I know for a sheer fact that meditation assists in this matter. And, I don't mean assist as in smoke a hit of weed to escape for a moment (it's a trick!) and then when the weed goes away, the anxiety is right there in front of your face, so big you can't even see it because that's just the world you live in. I mean, assist in how crutches assist a broken leg. By consistently using this aid to keep off of that really loud and obnoxious injury and give it the space and rest it needs for the possibility of healing and being used again, allowing you to use your body to it's full potential. What if you could use your brain to it's full potential, just by giving it a few minutes of rest and space every day?
You would think as a yogi I would have a strong meditation practice. Alas, I do not. I am a human being that has by no means mastered anything at all. Mostly, I have not kept a consistent practice out of fear of failure. Am I doing it right? Can I get through it? I've been too scared to keep it up long enough to find out.
In Yoga Teacher Training, we had a practice every day. When we would enter the meditation, I would wonder if I was doing it right, feeling like a complete failure if just one thought popped in to my head. My trainer, Liz Arch said to let go of the final product and let it come. I wasn't ready to hear that yet. I was used to controlling things coming in and going. This was beyond me. I continued my meditation practice after training as a tedious chore. That eventually phased out. I became devoted to breath to movement meditation with a final savasana meditation that would send me so out of this world, I wouldn't even remember it.
When the plan of my journey was made to light, there are a few projects I am to begin to keep my mind sane. Being Type A, there always has to be a plan, right? Pshaw! Meditation is one of them. My goal with this meditation practice immediately is to create the space in my head for creativity and positivity through this recovery process.
Today I began meditating. Just 5 minutes on Insight Timer. Coming to this meditation at this point in my life's journey with a little more balance and a little less pressure from myself, I felt liberated when I came out of it. I simply counted each breath, 1-10, 10-1. I did this lying down, where Louie decided my body made a good bed. And then I forgot I was meditating. I began to stretch like I was waking up for the first time today with Louie on me and then I remembered! Instead of freaking out and calling myself a failure and quitting, I accepted it. I accepted that there is a process to this practice and this is where I am. Do I quit? It's easy to go to dark places. Or do I welcome the failure? When really failure is just a step closer in the journey.
My body has shown me failure time and time again. But, you will never see me quit.
"YOU WILL SEE ME FAIL TIME AND TIME AGAIN, BUT YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME QUIT." ~MUHAMMAD ALI