When you see someone cry, do you cringe? Do you hug that person and encourage them to stop feeling? Instead, could you get excited for them in their process of healing and reaching the light at the end of the tunnel? Why do we have so many negative connotations when it comes to feeling emotions? I was raised not only to not show my emotions, but to not feel them at all. Feeling is weak and small. This kind of upbringing lends to the idea of being strong and perfect for everyone around you.
My Father called me one day with the news of my Mother having ovarian cancer. I started crying rivers. I was told to stop and be strong for my Mother as she was on her way over. That's a lot of pressure. But, I got used to it. People can really rely on me and boy did I ever work so damn hard to not let you down.
I got so good at holding everything up, I would judge those who weren't. I couldn't understand why one wasn't like me and it would upset me. My mind would quite literally go to places like, 'you incompetent mother fucker.' If I received bad service at a restaurant, I would straight up ask the waiter or waitress, "Is this your first day?" When I was in advertising, I had absolutely no patience for interns and new assistants. They would just annoy me and I let them know it. I was taught that these sort of emotions mean strength.
I already had compassion for the 4-legged creatures, but I had never applied it to human beings because I just didn't want to. In 2011 I was introduced to a spiritual guide. This is where it all began. I learned compassion for other human beings. This was work and practice. Still is!
From there I went on to a few more transformational workshops and trainings. Yoga Teacher Training was one of them! In these, I learned that all human beings have their own inherited experiences, upbringing, environment and other outside factors that create their own unique circumstance. So, when a person says something that I may not agree with, or a person does something in a way that I wouldn't do, I can finally see it as just that without judging them. I later learned that I have a voice for choice. I can not judge a person and choose to keep or get rid of that energy in my life.
Most recently, I learned that I forgot about myself. I had gone on working on myself to be more compassionate towards others and their circumstances and emotions, but didn't have that for myself. I wasn't part of that equation. Almost a year ago, I actually let myself feel heart break. The light at the end of that tunnel was incredibly bright; so relieving and safe, that it feels okay to feel on the daily. There was still one part that was missing.
People who have known me for a very long time aren't used to softy me and don't understand it. I've always felt the need to over explain and make you see that I'm not weird. After some time, I realized - well! I am weird. And that's okay. And I will not apologize for it any longer.
If a person gets uncomfortable from my emotions or asks me to stop being so dramatic, that's on that person. Not me. I can't be the person you want me to be because I am me! And I won't apologize for that. And THAT, feels freeing.
Like the wind dancing gracefully through life freely, honestly and unapologetically, despite how that effects what ever it comes in to contact with.
This is Me.